The Dating Handbook

Okay..I'm am actually up at 4:30AM writing this. I hope you appreciate the fact that I could not sleep due to the thoughts of writing this blog, and how much I owe my friends an update.


I'm sure that there is a book out there somewhere by this title, however I think that it should be mandatorily given out to every person on the planet who has a dating deficiency. Obviously that approach has not been taken, as I see no such book sitting on MY bookshelf. I would imagine this ingenious book to hold great wisdom and knowledge invaluable to someone like me. For instance, a list of emergency gear that you should take along on blind dates, or first dates in general. Like what?.. you ask. Well, hmmm..a cell phone is a must. Gum, or breathe mints in case the date goes unexpectedly well and you ordered garlic with extra onions for dinner. A hairpin or some sort of lock picking device could be KEY. Get it? KEY. HAHA. Ya, know if you end up with a psycho and need to get out of a trunk or something. And..um...let's see, a wig, makeup and a change of clothes might come in handy, if you need to suddenly change your identity during a trip to the bathroom. Your date sees you go in, and never sees you come out!

A vocabulary section might be helpful so as to better understand the dating lingo. This would not only define key words, but common phrases used to secretly imply things to the other person. It is not only important to understand this vocabulary, but to posses it as well could be extremely important. Phrases like, "I had a nice time," says to ME...that they had a nice time. This book might explain it to mean..."I tolerated the evening, and would rather not do it again, but I don't want you to think that I'm a rude person." Then there are words like "WOW" and "Really?," that are often OVER used in conversation. To ME they portray that someone is really interested in what I'm saying. The Dating Handbook would tell me the TRUTH. These words are nothing more than programmed responses so as to not allow an awkward lull in the conversation.

Then again, even more helpful would be a dictionary that would give definitions of different kinds of dates, and the protocol that follows each one. Such as the "Pre-Date Date." This would be defined as an event taking place by the interested party’s suggestion, with a small group of friends at a neutral place. The purpose of the gathering being to find out if the interested party is confident enough in the compatibility of themselves and their "interest" to make an offer for a real Date. No strings are attached, no financial commitments are made or expected, and you can walk away without any real obligation to comment on the success of the event. Then there is the Date Date. Which is obviously the kind of date you want to be on. Hopefully you you were smart enough to hook up with a gentleman who buys your dinner. You both put forth more effort into the evening because the question of interest has already been answered by the invitation. But here's where it gets a little tricky. The comments toward the end of the evening can be misleading. That's when you pull out your Dating handbook and open it up to the vocab section to decipher your date's secret code. "Could I call you sometime"..is usually implying that they would LIKE to call you sometime in the near future. Depending on the guy, the near future could be anywhere from 2 to 10 days. "I'll call you" usually implies that they are lying through their teeth because they don't know what to say as they have just figured out that they are NOT interested, yet they feel some possible interest from you, and are trying to let you down easy. Pfft! Whoever taught men that lying is a good way to do that should be shot! Us girls will go home and wait by the phone day and night, night and day for two weeks or more before we get the hint, GET MAD, eat a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream out of the carton and cry to at least 3 friends about how we thought you were "THE ONE." Are you seeing where this book would ultimately better our society? It would bring understanding and harmony between the sexes. Okay, maybe I'm being just a tad optimistic.

Better still, and perhaps the most useful part of the book would include possible escape routes through restaurant windows, roll tactics for falling out of moving vehicles and distraction suggestions, so that you might slip out the door without being noticed. This would be a wise tool to have for more situations than just dates. Escapes from parents, in-laws, relatives in general and strangers that attach themselves to you are also cases in which you might use such this instruction manual.

An emergency hotline would be a great idea too! You could call them to ask spontaneous questions during your date's restroom breaks. Or if you knew the date was going to be bad even before you got started you could have the hotline people buzz your phone every five minutes so that the awkward conversation would have constant interruptions allowing you to maintain your sanity. Then make up some excuse about a friend or family member in dyer need and slip out graciously before dessert has even been offered.

Unfortunately as I stated earlier, I don't own a copy of this book. Therefore I recently ended up on a Pre-Date Date of which I DID NOT understand the concept. I could have used the Dating dictionary there. And when I noticed Him wearing a plastic calculator watch, I could have used the escape route suggestions! Or at least when he said he had a nice time, I could have answered back in the secret code..."So did I." Meaning that "I had just as awful a time as you, and I would appreciate it if you never contact me again, or for that matter tell anyone that this ever happened."