What A Girl Wants

"I didn't eat all day, and I played a killer game of tennis after work." At least these were the excuses I gave myself when rumaging through the fridge tonight. Piled with take out left overs galore, I couldn't find anything that struck my fancy. So, I decided to CREATE! I pulled out some frozen homemade pizza dough and tried to quickly defrost it in the microwave. I had an idea for a gourmet pizza like you've never seen! Unfortunatly I defrosted for too long, and cooked the rather large lump of dough to a crisp.

Creation # 2: Once when I was traveling this old woman made me some seafood soup that was out of this world. Lately I've been wishing I had the recipe, and craving it madly. Though I didn't have any seafood in the house, I thought perhaps I could make a cream soup that would satisfy my craving. I cooked for about two hours, and was very happy with the sight and smell of my dish. It was taste testing time! I setteled down in front of the tv with a steaming hot bowl of creamy fragrant soup, and prepared to be amazed by my own culinary skills. As I took the first bite, I had a sinking feeling this was not going to do the trick. I had a few more spoonfuls, and it wasn't terrible by any means, but it just wasn't what I was craving either. I knew that if I finished the whole bowl of soup, I would be extremely full and completly unsatisfied, therefore leading to eating until I was. Knowing that no one in my house will touch the leftover soup, I tossed it. So much time, so much anticipation..all for nothing!

I decided to go with something totally random, but comforting. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich! I found some blackberry perserves in the pantry and decided that sounded yummy. Sadly, my first bite led to utter disapointment once again. The jam was filled with crunchy seeds(which I hate!) and was quite bitter in taste. This wasn't what I wanted at all! In fact it wasn't very good! So, I tossed it too.

I know that right about now, I should start getting a speech from someone about the starving children in Africa, but I belive that if they had the choice they would eat something they LIKE too! I'm not usually this wasteful. In fact I find myself more and more aware of the starving children in third world countries. But, it was just one of those days! Finally after watching tv, answering several phone calls, and only catching half of my favorite show, I popped a frozen pizza in the oven. It was now 11:00, but I was finally full and mildly satisfied.

To most people this would just be an amusing story to tell their friends or a frustrating evening to tell their therapist about. For me though, it became more than that. It became an enlightening experiance. Follow me on my journey.

I started thinking about how agrivating it was to know what I wanted to eat, and yet was unable to attain it. I thought about how I tried to fill the craving with so many different types of foods, and nothing would do the trick. Then suddenly my thoughts transfered into another part of my brain, and I began to make the emotional connections between this experiance and the dating(or lack there of) experiance.

For every time I have had in my life of knowing what I wanted to eat, I have had ten more times of NOT knowing. Sometimes even not CARING. I think I have found myself in those identical situations with men. And just like tonight's experiance, during the times that I've actually known what I wanted in a man, there were none to be found.

I have so often tried to fill the whole in my heart with someone that didn't fit, or didn't satisfy my craving. I tried to put a square peg in a round hole, and I've tried to transform myself into whatever would fit into their lives and ignore what I wanted and needed and craved in my own. Yep..true confessions of Leah. I never did it intentionally. I just wanted that space, that craving, that hunger to be fulfilled! I'm not beating myself up for being human, I just think that tonight it may have better for me to not eat at all, than to eat a little of this, and a little of that, and end up with this belly ache that I have. Oh..yeh..I didn't mention that earlier did I? I now have a belly ache. (Sigh)

There have been times in my life that I was afraid to really admit to myself and the world what I really want in a man, because I was afraid of being labeled as "picky." The truth is people should be picky! You're choosing someone to spend every day with until you die. You better be sure that you are with someone who is going to love you when you finally DO find yourself and stop being everything they want you to be and just be "You." Of course it's better for you to be "you" before vows are exchanged, and to find someone that loves who that person is. You have to let people see the good and the bad in you. You have to be open and honest, and messy and moody. You have to be real. You have to be "you."

I will lay my head down tonight still wishing I had some of that seafood soup. I know..I know...it's like all I think about is food. Can't deny that it is an important subject to us all. Like it or not, that's me. But I will go on searching, or creating, and trying to find it. The one thing that will satisfy my craving.

I was proud of myself tonight for throwing all the unwanted items away. I didn't waste time or calories on something that wasn't "it." I am determined to have that attitude when it comes to guys, and one day I will find "it." Hey..ya know...I think I'm kinda craving a PINEAPPLE! LOL